reading the latest entry on the rhinos' blog made me think. ha okay you know what, i realise that any one of the million different things i read/hear in a day can make me think. maybe my brain's just too bloody active and maybe i have a longing deep inside to be a know-it-all, a presumption buried deep inside that i know a lot about a lot. or that i think a lot about a lot. i dunno.

anyway.

it was about choice. the entry, i mean. about things that we do in life ultimately boiling down to the choices we make. okay, so i was griping about compartmentalising everything we feel in our lives, separating the intangibles etcetc. but though it might not make sense to me, it just dawned on me that it probably makes perfect sense to the person thinking it. in fact, my logic about the idea of putting things away into a pretty box and shutting the lid to everything, working on the basis of things only being true if we can see them - all these as ludicrous to me - may be just as ridiculous to the other. it's all a matter of perspective. the choices we make all come down to the perspectives we look at things from. from my perspective, you don't just do one thing with your life. doesn't mean that if you wanna do this, then everything else fades into the background and ceases to exist. but maybe from the other person's perspective, you should focus on the one thing that's important in your life. the other things shouldn't be stirred or touched on, simply because now's not the right time to meddle with them. and so, the other issues are put neatly away and not mentioned at all, not even acknowledged until a better time comes.

i've had enough of moping and feeling sad and morose and all the other negative things you can think of. i'm moving on in life, enjoying everyday for what it is and not wishing it to be something i want it to be. i'm living each day for what it is, for the things i do, and not for the things i wanna do or wish i could do.

there'll always be a corner in my mind and heart where ghosts of past and present and future still reside, definitely. where i keep alive that spectre of two happy people hand in hand along the sea, where i can hear whispers that sound like you, perhaps. but when i go about my day to day business, i put a cloth up around all these phantoms and wispy whispers and block them out. i don't see them , they don't bother me, i smile genuinely cos these don't bother me. but sometimes when i let my guard down, the cloth inevitably falls and these shadowy images come out prancing in my head, these whispers in the wind float by my ear and startle me and make me slightly sad. that all these still are alive in me doesn't bother me quite as much as it used to.

i'm starting to accept that maybe they'll always be a part of me, of who i am, a reminder of painful maybes to knock me off my cocky perch sometimes. if God meant me to be like this, it's more than alright with me.

the day when i can set my eyes on these ghosts with a real smile on my face and joy in my heart, that's when i know God has brought me out of the woods by the hand, finally. we - i - walk by faith, and not by sight. and faith's the realization of what is hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). so if i walk by faith, it just means i walk on in life with the utmost trust for God, that what i hope for will be realised.

don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real, or take it all away.

ha since he couldn't make it real, he took it all away. why am i whining or even feeling upset then? what i've been imploring him to do, he did. i dunno whether to say thank you or f you. okay no, i have not sworn in my entire life, i have not screamed "f you!" at anyone no matter HOW MUCH they deserve it, because i really think nothing, nothing, warrants that from me.

trust trust trust. don't keep thinking, don't keep mulling. just keep the faith. God's always faithful, don't lose faith.