i am thoroughly not at home. i can't focus, i have a headache.

i have no energy or strength to do anything.

all i want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.

hearing Indescribable on Sunday moved me to tears. that song has that effect on me. when i hear the keyboard and guitars playing before the words come in, i always start crying. hearing it on my mp3 player earlier this afternoon also drove me to tears. the nostalgia and memories kick in and knock the wind out of my sails all the time whenever i hear that song. there's a strange sadness about the happiness and exuberance, for me.

you know, i give up. i give up trying, i give up crying, i give up feeling, i give up everything except God. everything human disappoints, some time or the other. sometimes, all the time.

when you've been burnt enough times, you know that fire's hot.
when you've been hurt enough times, you know that it's painful.
and when you've tried enough times, each time with failure, you know it's impossible.

how i long to say screw it all, i can face the world with my chin upright and look everyone straight in the eye. that i'm fine, i'm strong, i can do this. that i don't need no one to help me, i can do this on my own. that it doesn't matter, i can deal. i can't. i'm not fine, i'm not gonna be fine anytime soon. in time, yes. but not for now.

for now, i just want to let the tears come and come and come. i don't want to hold them back anymore.


i rediscovered Kelly Clarkson's because of you.

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
i've learnt the hard way to never let it get that far

because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk

because of you i learn to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt

because of you i find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

because of you i am afraid.

i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know that's weakness in your eyes
i'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with.

i watched you die, i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain
and now i cry in the middle of the night over the same damn thing.

because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you i am afraid.
because of you.



it's a sad sad sad sad song. i bet the dude never knew how he made her so cautious, so afraid of letting anyone else in. bastard.