i am on a hot body stint. i don't want to be just a skinny bod. i want a HOT BOD. toned muscles, toned tummy, long long long legs (okay, so i can't do anything about the length of my legs now. but at least i can tone them)

ran 4k just now and walked 1k after that just for fun. then did the leg raises that Carol suggested i do everyday to tone my tummy and get rid of the flab, and also did pushups and attempted splits to tone and stretch my thigh muscles.

i feel like swimming tomorrow morning, but i think i won't be able to crawl out of bed to do any physical activity when i get up. i already feel so physically TIRED now after the workout just now. i'm gonna try to run every alternate night and do the leg raise thing and everything else everyday. because i'm not fat per se, just not toned. so the diet thing isn't really like, something i'd do to look better and get in shape. it's more of the state of my muscles etc.

just replied to a flurry of emails and i feel rather accomplished. i've been procrastinating checking my mail cos i dread having to think and do work, but now that i've thought and done work, i feel a lot smarter and better now. think i shall read some pol science before sleeping later. for now, gonna go on ivle on participate in the Japanese studies forum to earn my 10%.

okay! i just did that. i shall post one a night or something, or one every two nights. i dunno.

i was thinking today that even though sometimes i think i'm the smartest girl alive, sometimes i also think i'm just really silly. i don't appear silly, but i do silly things and i know it. and when someone laughs at me for it, i feel upset, of course i do. but i don't get angry with the person cos i know their view does hold water, since i know it as truth myself.

every single night, when i pray, i ask God for the same thing over and over again. without fail. if i were God, i'd be telling me "okay! i heard you the first time and the second time and all the million times after that too. quit it already!"

ha but see, i'm not God and cannot even imagine what it must be like to be him. i'm so impatient with things, while i know God isn't. it's humanly impossible to imagine how patient he can be, cos i could never be such. i tolerate things up to a certain point, then i snap. either by implosion or explosion.

thing is, i know God hears me loud and clear. he hears all of us as though we are talking on the phone with him, one-on-one. every single word i utter from my lips in prayer, every single wish my heart makes, every plea for help i make, he hears and he knows. then we, and i, ask: why isn't God doing anything then? why isn't he helping me, granting my wishes?

what i realise recently is that God isn't a genie. as we all know, (or maybe not), a genie grants 3 wishes its master makes. good wish or not, whether or not the wish is what's best for the master, the genie grants. anything and everything. even if ultimately, the granted wish ends up hurting the master - the genie still grants. God isn't like that. he doesn't grant wishes he knows will cause us harm in the future, even though we cannot see it now. and even if he intends to help me, it may not be a now kinda thing. after all, God's time really isn't my time. we don't operate on the same plane. God doesn't subscribe to the dratted Werkglock, thankfully. he definitely isn't a slave to time, as we all are, bound in our earthly dimension. in fact, God made time! in God's eyes and mind, everything that happened last time, happens now, or will happen next time - they're all in the now for him. no history, no future. that's why God knows everything we're gonna do in our lives. he can see it all, see all the choices we make, see everything.

so anyway. i've digressed terribly. where was i?
ah, yes. God doesn't listen and answer my prayers.

God does listen to my prayers! our prayers. God hears everything we say, loud and clear. then why isn't he answering them? so many reasons why he isn't doing what you want so badly - but does it really matter, all the reasons? all that matters is that God's doing what's best for me, God's doing what he's doing or not doing what i want him to do because he knows that by doing (or not doing) so, i will ultimately be happier than i thought i could be with what i wanted. or maybe not now, since God's time is different from ours. God could wanna do something for me in however many number of tomorrows.

he has infinity in his hands. all the tomorrows don't count for anything in his time.

in his time
in his time
he makes all things beautiful - in his time.
Lord, please show me everyday
as you're teaching me your way
that i do just what you say
in your time.

the beautiful hymn that i loved as a child that makes so much sense to me now as i struggle with accepting God's will for me in my life. God's will mayn't be the easiest path to take. it's taking a lot out of me now to not just scream and die because i'm just so tired. humanly tired. my emotions are on vacation i think, i don't feel anymore. my mind's always active and processing things, rehashing past memories over and over again, but nothing conclusive, always. and my body just needs to sleep and recuperate. but my soul is thirsting for God's will to come through in my life, and no matter how tired my body gets, how long a vacation my heart takes, how annoying active and buzzing my mind becomes, i still yearn for that.

my determination has increased astronomically in recent times. my determination and single-mindedness these days to continue walking in my Lord's footsteps and on his path and not my own carved out one, would have been inconceivable not too long ago. the faith i have that everything will turn out more than okay, the faith i have in my God to do things in his time, that what i ask for in faith - knowing it's what he wants of me - will be given, undoubtedly; i think it's a great gift and grace from God. and the patience and love i still feel, it's amazing. i know it's not because i'm fantastic or because i'm inherently an amazing person - everything emerging is God-given and from God to help me as i struggle on each day. and it's really a struggle, i tell you. to keep wanting to submit to God's will, it's really taking a lot of me, taking a lot of desire to want to suppress my own human nature to take matters into my own hands. and i really praise and thank God for everything he's blessed me with thus far. all the lessons learnt and pain and hurt i went through HAD to be endured for me to become who i am meant to be.

there's still more to come. i know it. it never stops, this moulding process. but am i complaining? no, right now even though my body may be broken and my heart nearly quashed out, i want to rejoice cos i know my God's making me into the person i was born to be. i'm becoming the person he meant me to be from the moment he conceptualised me in the eternity somewhere up there and gave life to me. and every step i take is one step closer to fulfilling my destiny. ohh, how marvellous, how comforting to know that there's his wonderful promise of giving one what one wants, if only one has faith, to look forward to and sustain me each day.