i was looking through my saved messages in my phone just now when i came across this old folder i've brought everywhere with me - through phone changes and all. i'd forgotten all abt that folder and the messages in it, but the moment i saw it, i knew exactly what was in there. i knew what messages i'd saved, whose messages i'd saved, why i'd saved them.

i tried to delete the folder. my thumb hovered over the delete option and i felt i was frozen in time as the words of the messages ran through my head and i could see them so clearly even though it's been so long. i wanted to just delete it, erase the remnants of physical evidence from then. but i couldn't. as much as i want to reformat my own head, erase the words exchanged and block out the sound of your voice, i can't bring myself to forget so completely. as it is, i've banished all of you to non-existence in my own reality. but there's still some ghost of you that i can't exorcise, that i seem to not want to exorcise.

it's too painful sometimes to realise that you're the only one who can bear witness to the reality of something. once you forget, the something becomes unreal. loses its reality. and becomes... nothing. even though i hate all that happened, i don't want it all to become nothing, to cease to have existed in the spectrum of time as i know it.

maybe i'm selfish. i want my reality now to stay reality, and i want my reality then to remain a reality then, even as i want to banish you to non-existence - sometimes out of sheer spite, sometimes to prove to myself that i'm really over it, sometimes just to cope and not lose it in my own universe of past, present & future.

so hit the delete button. erase the folder. erase the messages that don't mean anything anymore. empty words. erase the emails i still type to no one for hours on end, directing them to you but not meaning in the least to tell anything to you.

i dreamt of you again one afternoon. you made me cry. & i thought i had no more tears for you. in my waking hours, i know i don't. i know what i feel and what you don't mean to me. but in the fuzzy twilight thereshold that ushers me from my waking awareness to the consciousness of my sleep, everything goes haywire again and all the tears and memories you don't hold the key to in my waking life anymore, they're yours once more.