Big Girls Don't Cry

it isn't like me to busy myself just to occupy my time. i don't believe in making myself do lots of things to forget and to not think - although it's so tempting sometimes to do exactly that. just scurry around and do everything i can possibly do in 24 hours so that by the time my head hits the pillow, i'll be too tired to think about anything.

the transpiration of certain events have left a more unpleasant taste in my mouth than i'd imagined. you know, you think that things that exist outside your reality shouldn't have any power over you anymore. because well, they're no longer real. you think that the transpiration of certain events shouldn't affect you the way they do. but they do, anyway, whatever you think. whatever i think.

i've caught myself staring into space thinking about nothing in particular, and yet everything at the same time, lately. i've caught myself teteering on the precipice of misery and jealousy, only managing to catch myself on time before i let those gnawing thoughts swallow me whole.

i wish things were simpler, cliched as that may sound. okay, so things seem simple. but not to me, they aren't. it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't bug me, and yet it does, and because it does, it bugs me even more. and yet, i'm fine, really, but at the same time, i'm not. a trifle confusing, perhaps.

maybe i'm selfish. because i can't, therefore. i can be happy, but. maybe i just have to let go. i tell myself i've let go, a large part of my heart has let go, so maybe it's time my heart completely severed itself for good, and just let everything fall into the abyss, broken and shattered. for that to happen, i'd have to take drastic measures. and i think i'm beginning to feel brave enough to take the first steps towards that, painful as it may be. i'm a big girl now, & i feel somewhat ready to move, & live.

the smell of your skin lingers on me, now.

you're probably on your flight back to your home town.

i need some shelter for my own protection,

to be with myself, & centre -

clarity, peace, serenity.

i hope you know, i hope you know

that this has nothing to do with you.

it's personal, myself & i -

we got some straightening out to do.

& i'm gonna miss you, like a child that misses her blanket,

but i've got to get a move on with my life.

it's time to be a big girl now,

& big girls don't cry.

the path i'm walking,

i must go alone.

i must take the baby steps until i'm full grown.

fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

& i foresee the dark ahead if i stay.

like the little schoolmates in the schoolyard,

we'll play jacks & Uno cards.

i'll be your best friend,

& you'll be my valentine.

yes, you can hold my hand if you want to

cos i want to hold yours, too.

we'll be playmates & lovers,

& share our secret worlds.

but it's time for me to go home.

it's getting late, dark outside.

i need to be with myself, & centre -

clarity, peace, serenity.

i hope you know, i hope you know
that this has nothing to do with you.
it's personal, myself & i -
we got some straightening out to do.
& i'm gonna miss you, like a child that misses her blanket,
but i've got to get a move on with my life.
it's time to be a big girl now,
& big girls don't cry.

Big Girls Don't Cry

Fergie