i'm glad i decided i felt okay enough to join my community for the fantabulous outing tonight! enjoyed myself with everyone tremendously! kudos to Alison & Aloy for planning everything and making sure we were all having fun and eating well and all! :)

had steamboat dinner at Marina South. omg, i really stuffed myself i think. ate a lot a lot tonight. and i think i just shortened my lifespan by 10 years. i ate A LOT of carsenogenic (i have like, NO idea how to spell this word, i'm sorry) food that was charred on the grill. i was too lazy to pick the black bits off and too hungry to wait, so i just ate.

before dinner though, was Mass at the Cathedral! attending Mass there was a mixed experience for me, though. on one hand, it was like so stuffy, and slightly uncomfortable cos the seats had rigid backings and the kneelers were solid wood. but on the other, i really loved the atmosphere of the entire place. it was so quaint. i loved the candles burning in their candle sticks by the altar - they looked like they belong in a castle or something. like those in the Beast's castle in Beauty & the Beast! and the pipe organ's pipes. omg, that was so cool. there were pipes all around the church. i imagine the people who attended Mass there even before THX sound system was invented already had access to surround sound every Mass when the organ was played. it was reminiscent of the Phantom of the Opera, i felt. the entire feel of the church.

so anyway. after dinner, some of us made our way down to AMK hub to catch a late night movie! Transformers! we caught the 2am show cos the 12.50 show was sold out by the time we got there. it was the coolest show i've watched in a long long time, i must say! although it wasn't on my to-watch list of shows initially, watching it changed my mind completely. i'm glad Carol and i decided to stay till 2 to catch it! it was good. you'd think that amid all the action and fighting, there'd be no tear-inducing moments, eh? wrong!! i was this close to crying a couple of times in the movie (although i must admit it were pretty silly reasons to feel like crying haha). it is NOT just a guy's show to watch. although all the machines and transformers may seem more masculine than anything else. i throughly loved the show. it was oh, so cool. no other word to describe it. shan't spoil it for those who haven't catched it by blabbing on about it! oh, and the girl was hot. the captain was hot. hot people make me feel more friendly towards the show overall. like how Jessica Alba is practically 90% of the reason why i faithfully made Fantastic 4 a show on my to-watch list every year for both the movies so far.

so yes, that would explain why i'm still blogging and this time of the night. 5.45am. actually, i'm waiting for my hair to dry out more before i sleep. the smoke from the steamboat dinner permeated my clothes, my hair, my entire being, so i HAD to wash everything out.

Wil keeps prompting me to rethink my decision to leave the core again, since the retreat and since i so stupidly-bravely claimed the gift of leadership for God and from God during the retreat, too. i'm kinda reluctant to think again, cos i thought that decision-making process was behind me and i could lay it to rest, finally. it wasn't an easy decision to make, cos i knew so very well why i was so adamant on leaving but i had so much trouble articulating it to the rest of the core in a way i felt comfortable sharing. in the end, it just ended up with me seeming childish, petulant, and ridiculously stubborn and even selfish. but i just left it at that because i couldn't find it in me to explain, and i also thought and think that it wouldn't matter what i said anyway - they wouldn't and won't understand.

it's not running away, is it? by not explaining myself, it's not being a coward, right? i'm just doing something i think will save everyone a lot of time and energy. rah. i really hate it when my effort to try to make things simpler for everyone is eventually misconstrued as childishness or selfishness, and results in people being annoyed with me for reasons beyond my comprehension - when really, what i really meant to do was to cut the annoyance out. even at the expense of myself and what i feel.

i think i should start being kinder to myself and allow myself to step in when my good intentions are taken and completely twisted and contorted into something beyond recognition.

i'm so reluctant to re-visit that thought, even toying with that thought scares me somewhat. i don't want to think about staying on in the core, i don't want to think about it. the year to come may be more than what i can handle and i may snap. as it is, i think i've been doing well the last few weeks. when things have settled down a fair bit and i'm less riled up and disliked. oh okay, who am i kidding. i know i can deal with the coming year if i put my mind to it. God has already said he'll help me, if i so decide to stay on. has already said he'll give me strength and wisdom to deal with certain situations, said he'll be with me every step of the way. but do i want to? do i want to subject myself to being the subject of immense dislike and annoyance for no other reason save that i am me? right, it looks ridiculous even as i type it down. how can i be disliked just by being me, right? trust me, been there done that, and it is as ridiculous as it sounds.

it is not right to hate someone just for who she or he is. it is just not right. sure, you can justify that feeling with a lot of "oh, she's so annoying and she says stupid things and does irritating things", but when push comes to shove, that's just not reason enough. i've never not liked anyone just he or she is exactly just he or she is, because i cannot find enough reasons to sustain the dislike. i always find something to like in the end. always always. so when i hear about people not liking someone simply cos she's herself, or when i hear someone doesn't like me simply because i'm me, i get so worked up. because it makes no sense to me at all. i believe it's ultimately a choice we all make to like or dislike a person.

ah well. i am starting to get irritated just thinking about it. shall stop here and read a bit before sleeping.


there's a song that's inside of my soul
it's the one that i've tried to write over, & over again.
i'm awake in the infinite cold
but you sing to me over, & over again.
so i lay my head back down
& i lift my hands and pray
to be only yours, i pray
to be only yours
i know now,
you're my only hope.

sing to me the song of the stars.
of a galaxy dancing, and laughing, and laughing again.
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again
so i lay my head back down
& i lift my hands and pray
to be only yours, i pray
to be only yours
i know now,
you're my only hope.

i give you my destiny.
i'm giving you all of me.
i want your symphony,
singing in all that i am.
at the top of my lungs
i'm giving it back.

so i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands, and pray
to be only yours, i pray
to be only yours, i pray
to be only yours,
i know now
you're my only hope.
*only hope/mandy moore.


i just realised this is a song from me to God.
sing to me of the plans that you have for me, over again.

i want to entrust all my plans to God, i want him to sing to me of the plans he has for me over again, i just want to feel safe in the knowledge that God has good plans in store for me even if it seems hard now, i just want to feel loved knowing that God likes me for who i am, likes - and so much more - even as people don't, i just want God to sing to me because i know he's there in music.