my heart is heavy and inexplicably, everything hurts more than it should. we're all lonely deep down inside. i'm no exception. i'm trying to not yield to my desires and immediate wants, to stop thinking about myself all the time and think also for those whom i love and care about. but all these extra cares are wearing me down even though i've barely begun to even try to shoulder them and i'm lost.

for a while, i thought i knew where i was headed. i thought i had everything figured out and my life was finally going to be settled and dandy. how wrong i am, because there's still so much i don't know, so much i'm unsure about. it's during times like these when i feel that my veneer of grown-up-ness and the surety and confidence that being a young woman brings - all melting away to reveal the lost little girl i still am deep inside. i think i know what i'm doing, i think i know what i'm saying, and then it all explodes in my face and i'm not sure about what i even knew to begin with.

when i see the disappointment, when i see the hurt and sadness etched in, when i see that i selfishly caused it all - i hate myself for it all the time. careless words, careless thoughts, carelessness all around. everything around me dripping in carelessness.

i'm single-handedly managing to ruin everything once again and i'm wondering how i even managed such a magnitude of confusion. i undermine my own prowess at ruining things, sometimes. this tendency to self-destruct is terribly dangerous, but how to curb it i have no clue.

then when i try to turn to God and fling myself at his feet, all that wells up in me is an overwhelming sense that he loves me. i love you, over and over again. but i don't want to be comforted, i don't want to find refuge; i want an answer. i want help. i want direction. then i feel bad cos i remember how God loves me so and i don't understand how i can just flick that knowledge aside. and i go round and round in my own head.

i'm terribly sad suddenly and i wish i knew what to do about everything. what wouldn't i give to make things right again for everyone? i'm beginning to wonder if i have a reversed Midas touch about me - everything i touch gets messed up. but then again, i remember the world doesn't revolve around me, so i'm not The Only Factor in so many things. variables i don't even know about could have contributed to the mess.

i suddenly also feel un-understood at all. not misunderstood. un-understood. that sometimes no one bothers to try to understand where i'm coming from - but that could be my own fault because most of the time, i give off the air that i'm perfectly understood and fine. i'm so cautious about certain things now, so careful about treading certain paths - and yet in all the care i take, carelessness still inevitably seeps in and ruins everything. like one of those land mines you take painstaking care to avoid, but you end up walking right into one of those potholes right in front of you in the end.

today on my way home, i was thinking about a lot of things. wondering if i could do certain things. if i could give up certain things for certain other things. wondering what would be the best thing to do. not the easiest thing this time, but the best thing for everyone. calculating my opportunity costs, and getting fed up with calculating cos i can't deal with emotions the same way that i deal with my numbers in algebra. if the equation doesn't add up - just chuck the number away.

i'm still human, after all!