i feel disgusting. absolutely disgusting. time of the month, time of suffering.
i didn't ask to be born like that. i didn't ask for my body. i had no choice. i was born like that. cramps will be the death of me before i turn 30. i've been having them every single lousy month since almost 10 years ago now, and it's not getting any better.

i have no respect for her anymore, too.
unreasonability ranks very low in my books. i have very little patience for that.

killmenowplease. sure, there's such a lot of life to see. but i'm so tired of the pain that plagues me, of so many things, that sometimes i just think it doesn't matter if i don't wake up tomorrow. just slip away quietly in my sleep, so my soul can take flight and find its way to God where it belongs, anyway.

as i sit here feeling goosebumps prickle me and my feet feeling oh-too-cold and my hands trembling with the sharp waves of pain, i'm not looking forward to tonight when she comes home and goes on her rants again. nothing i say makes a difference, she's beyond reasoning and it's taking all my self-control to stop myself from saying a lot of cutting things. today, as i tried to close my eyes and sleep the cramps away, she didn't - couldn't - leave me in peace. even though i was obviously in some sort of pain, she couldn't leave me alone. fling the door wide open, scream scream scream, demand me to do stupid things. when i say something, i'm rude. when i keep quiet cos i can't say anything, it's too painful to open my mouth, i'm rude also. never satisfied, that's what she is.

let her think whatever she wants already. i'm too drained from this afternoon to explain anything. i hate being me, i hate having my body. i didn't choose to be like this, can't you see? if i could, there're so many things i'd choose to leave out from me and my body. RAH. frustrated and so tired.