Sentosa, Cathedral, Soup Spoon and Thai Express yesterday!

yummy day, yummy time i had.

days like these make me wanna stay forever where i am. and yet i also know somewhere in the back of my mind that days like these won't last forever. they're just fullstops between sentences, and the story goes on after the fullstop with yet another sentence.

as i was praying last night, something troubled me muchly. ah actually. many things trouble me muchly these days even though i seem to have minimal reason to be troubled. it's the smallest things that cause me great trouble, actually.

tomorrow always comes. even though sometimes you don't want tomorrow to come and you just want today to stay forever. all the tomorrows of my life, what do they hold in store for me? i wish i could take a peek into the future and see how my tomorrow next year will look like. on one hand, i'm ready to just heck it all and let myself get swept up in everything going on around me. don't bother to think, just do and worry about the consequences later on. but on the other, it's all too important to me to just ignore and pretend i'll be able to deal with the repercussions later.

unfortuntately, things don't always go the way we want them to. if only i knew for sure, if only i knew what i had for sure, if only i knew what i can give for sure.

God's voice is becoming increasingly faint in my life these days and i so desperately want to keep straining my ears to listen out for him. someone once chided me for clinging on tightly still in spite of everything. just let go, just give it all up to God, he said. but i choose to hang on still - hang on to God and never let go. it's tough to not give in to my physical and mental exhaustion and just do whatever pleases me. isn't it odd how your struggles seem the toughest to you? probably because they're tangible to you, whereas to others looking on, they can only imagine what you're going through - and what people imagine always doesn't measure up to what's actually going on.

SGL meeting on Saturday reminded me terribly about this verse in the bible in Ecclesiastes.

Vanity of vanity, and all is but vanity!

and i'm afraid this is what everything's about. everything in my life thus far seems to have been to feed my vanity, horrible, needy thing that it is. work is vanity, toil is vanity, and the list goes on. it's hard to accept that, but i think there's some degree of truth in what the guy Qoheleth says. to some extent, everything that we do save the pursuit for God in our lives as a personal journey - is vanity. i say pursuit of God as a personal journey cos sometimes i feel that people (especially in communities) 'seek' God because they want to attain spiritual status over their peers. i'm not guiltless of that, mind you, but being aware of this possibility helps keep me in check and makes me evaluate my pursuit of God in my life and examine my intentions behind everything i do. it's not easy to maintain such a high degree of self-awareness. sometimes you just wish you didn't know so much about yourself, cos it seems like the more you learn about yourself, the uglier a person you appear to be.

upon discovering what a horrible, yucky person i am deep inside, i shuddered and wanted to die. wanted to just stop it all, stop knowing so much. it's hard, it's definitely not pretty. you wonder why God loves you so much in spite of your yuckiness, then you stop and berate yourself cos you know that God's love for you is unconditional. not for laudable reasons and merits about you, but unexplanable, undeserved, and illogical sometimes.

i wish people'd practice what they preached. talking so much and knowing so much isn't enough in life. don't live in fear, someone told me. nothing doing, i say now. i'm suddenly very tired of everything and i'm not quite sure what to do anymore.