things have been quiet on this blog lately cos i haven't been able to put my thoughts into words. paradoxical, really, how there's so much happening up there in my mind, but when i probe deeper - nothing much at all either.

met Lynette today for a catch-up! realised that i've missed being with her. you never know how much something means to you until it disappears from your life. then you start to see that gaping hole where it once resided. friendships are all a bit like that. when i get frustrated with the way things are going, i tend to turn away from people and just keep looking within. keep turning to me and wondering what i'm feeling, why i'm feeling, and just shut everything else out.

sometimes i feel like there're a lot of things i gotta say to quite a lot of people. but then i just don't feel like talking for many reasons. i just choose to not bother about these outstanding things that ought to be settled cos i don't want to stir things up in my life. things have reached an equilibrium and i just don't want to move from this vantage point where at least the boat doesn't rock and i don't feel like throwing up from sea-sickness.

strangely enough, it's starting to get lonely where i am. though it doesn't seem to warrant loneliness from anywhere - loneliness nonetheless engulfs me and leaves me gasping for air. it's like an uncalled for sort of feeling that just creeps up on me and ambushes me.

some things just trigger reactions or memories that force me to behave strangely, still. i'm frustrated, and yet resigned to the fact that maybe, things will always be like that for me. as normal as normal gets, but not entirely tension-free or awkward-less. i'm wary about talking or sharing about myself; increasingly, as the days go by. not a good thing to be proud of, and yet i suspect it's a defense mechanism too that kicks in to prevent me from ever getting shell-shockedly hurt again. i've given up trying to bring people by the hand over to my point-of-view, to try to show them where i'm coming from and how the sunset looks from my opposite ledge. it's been a few months since i've given up and i can safely say i'm a much less emotionally wrecked up person now.

and so, we just exist as friendly strangers.