i am satisfiedly tired today. felt i spent a productive day - even though i spent a large part of the day in town. again. for the 10 millionth time. but well, the 2 hour tuition at night saved my day, i think.

you know, i think my period is coming soon. i felt supremely crampy a lot of today and felt my heart sink closer and closer to my toes as i felt wave after wave of the stupid cramps come at me. my body runs like clockwork! the last period i had was exactly 4 Saturdays ago.

okay, too much info maybe.

after today, i realised that i've been spending far too much and i really need to STOP. especially when i get paid for tuition come Monday, i need to make sure i save a substantial amount of that in the bank. and make sure that substantial amount STAYS in the bank. i'm despairing at my spending habits, to be honest. in the last week, i have spent...... omg, too much money. i bought 2 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of shorts, a top. doesn't seem like much when i put it like that, but it's a lot!! omg omg. what has gotten into me, i wonder. i'm shopping with a ferocity and vigor that's a bit new to me. and it's only been this week.

next week will see the end of my renagade shopping spree. i will control my money. i will not succumb to consumerism. i will not give in to my materialistic desires just because i feel so-and-so and feel that i have the right to do what i want. like i realise that a lot of the time when i'm pissed off or feel miserable or downright shitty, i feel like i have the license to do whatever i want to cheer myself up. like the last time someone pissed me off, i stomped into a shop and started picking out things i'd been wanting to buy for the longest time ever. i was this ready to just whipping out my atm card and just paying everything by nets. then this little voice in me stopped me from walking to the cashier and i said to myself: are you sure this is worth it? you might regret how much you're spending now when you get back home and have to explain your purchases to the parents. so yes. didn't get all the things i was so close to getting.

as i was waiting for the mrt to arrive today on my way to town to meet Mel and Chels, i began to think about loving a person, and loving love. being in love with somone, and being in love with love. how do i know whether i actually love the person for who he is, and not because i love the fact that he loves me? it's so easy to delude myself into thinking that i'm in love with someone for so-and-so reasons. but when i put aside a lot of my emotions, i start to introspect and question what it is i really feel. then i remember someone told me before, that if you can easily replace the person you think you're in love with and easily say "oh, i love him too.", then it's more likely than not me being in love with love. but if i take away the person and put someone else in his place, and i can't feel the same way about the replacement, can't bring myself to feel for the replacement the same way, can't love the replacement like how i used to love the other person, that's probably me being in love with the person.

i'm slightly scared of loving and being loved, now. it's such a powerful emotion, it's so easy to get sucked into the intensity of it all and just be consumed by the feeling. well, then i suppose that isn't love as how it's meant to be anymore, but love warped and twisted beyond recognition, into something we lose ourselves in. seeing so many people struggling in relationships around me, it makes me skeptical about being in a relationship myself, sort of. it makes me wary, makes me wonder like hey, how come always like that? i refuse to lose who i am in a relationship, refuse to become a different person for the worse, refuse to become too dependent, refuse - absolutely refuse - to be unable to function without the other person. it's so scary, being so totally dependent and reliant on another person. i don't think it's very healthy, either, anyway. i think what i need to keep doing is to keep taking steps back when i actually find myself in a situation like that, take a step back and evaluate my thoughts, my actions and words and feelings. introspect, understand why i think or feel or say things a certain way. and if i know it's wrong, stop me from going there again cos i know it's not right.

what if, what if.

what if.




still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt.
still a little hard to say what's going on.
still a little bit of your ghost,
your witness.
still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed.
you step a little closer each day
still i can't say what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall,
when you float like a cannonball.

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words i long to hear.
you step a little closer to me
so close, that i can't see what's going on.

stones taught me to fly.
love taught me to cry.
so come on, courage!
teach me to be shy
cos it's not hard to fall,
and i don't wanna scare her.
it's not hard to fall,
and i don't wanna lose her.
it's not hard to grow,
when you know that you just don't know.
*cannonball/damien rice