today/yesterday/lately has been one of those periods when i wonder at who i am, really.

see, THIS is the result of my days blending into each other. days become periods, periods become times, and i don't have a clear sense of what happened when anymore.

i'm rather tired of putting up such an emotionless, empty front - or is it even a front anymore? the oddness has translated into a normal already and i can't decide whether that's a good thing or not. the only good i can see out of everything is that i'm not moodswinging dangerously anymore or losing myself in depression. i never want to go there again, nevernever, and now that i've picked myself up and found some sort of equilibrium again by pulling layers and layers over my eyes and locking up my heart somewhere a la Davy Jones, do i want to turn back and confront the root of it all? i don't, i so desperately don't. and yet, i know that if i want to find me again, i have to reach back down inside and get in touch with the emotions i've so calculatedly thrown out of my life to preserve any shred of sanity left in me.

i don't know if i can go through the turmoil again without just losing it and booking a one-way flight to Finland to just live out the rest of my life with the reindeers in Santa Claus Land. i don't know if i can go through the turmoil again without losing the people i have left in my life who i now hold so dear and yet paradoxically, end up pushing away too, cos i'm petrified of holding on to them too tight.

when you hold on to something too tightly and it's wrenched out of your grip cruelly and irreversibly, the blow is that much harder to bear. i tell myself i've stopped clinging on to people, stopped expecting anything from people, and yet i wonder how much of that is true. when a dull ache throbs somewhere in the recesses of my chest, i remember how it's like to get hurt and i realise i haven't rid myself of feelings yet, that i'm still warm and weakly human.

i don't even know what i'm trying to get at, what i'm trying to achieve. am i trying to become some calculated being that doesn't feel on impulse but rationalises everything before allowing it to translate into a feeling? or am i trying to prevent that 'person' from emerging from me? sometimes i think i'm trying to become that being, other times i think i'm trying not to become that person.

too much activity in my brain behind-the-scenes for my liking.

sometimes i think i'm a private person, sometimes i think not. sometimes i think i'm open to sharing my feelings with others, sometimes i think not. i'd like to know something concrete about myself for a change, thankyouverymuch, not just vague concepts of self that fluctuate scarily and change depending on the situation. i don't want to be a weathervane that does an about-turn when the wind changes direction. i want to stay in the same direction even when the wind starts to come from the opposite side.

this whole concept of closeness, of being 'close' to someone, is becoming increasingly alien to me as i'm increasingly alienated from more and more of the people i once considered 'close' to me. it's become a hypothetical ideal to have, something that was an opaque part of my reality once but is increasingly becoming more and more transparent as time passes and the horrid, bland blah-ness of being a close stranger becomes an existence by itself. i know things have to be this way, but i also know it's my choice whether or not i wanna hang around and hang on to this all.

why subject myself to such an unpleasant reality and existence when in another life, these would just be horrid shadowy concepts at the back of my mind and elicit an "oh dear, that kinda life would suck - that poor girl." response from me when confronted with such a hypothetical. i'd like such an existence to be a hypothetical, not a reality. already in my present existence, i'm constructing certain thoughts and beliefs to exist as a backdrop in my new reality so that i mask the effects of certain emotions or situations. it's like wrapping a horse's feet in sacking to soften the clip-clop of the hard hooves on the ground - the hooves still hit the ground whether or not you wrap them up in sacking, but when you do, the noise is reduced considerably and you can pretend away the reality of the horse putting down it's feet onto the ground because the noise isn't as jarring and is significantly softer.

i suppose i do a similar thing with myself; i wrap myself up in something or the other so that when certain things happen to me, it becomes less real to me because the impact is lessened considerably.

and Pun was right - i have been praying supremely hardly for a certain thing every day. i only just realised what it was that i've been praying for so hardly (i don't quite think there's such a word as hardly in this context, but who cares), and he's right, i have been praying every night and everytime i pray and talk to God. but i don't pray for it consciously, it just shoots itself out of my thoughts and to God without me constructing the thought or thinking: okay, tonight i will pray for this and this again. the realisation that it's been surfacing in my prayers without my invitation or conscious effort just saddens me some more because it's made me even more aware of what's going on deep inside me, still.

but strangely enough, i'm not sad sad, but just quietly sad. there's a difference between them two. quietly sad is when i just acknowledge that sadness in me, entertain the emotions that well up in my heart momentarily, and just throw sand over the sadness to bury it in me so that it's still there, but all anyone sees is the golden sand. sometimes when the wind blows the sand away, a bit of the sadness resurfaces and i catch a quick glimpse of the chest where it's stored - then when the wind blows sand back over, it's covered again and just as quickly as i saw it, it disappears again. i know it's there, but i can't see it and that's fine with me for now.


i worry i won't see your face light up again
even the best fall down sometimes,
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
i somehow find that you and i collide.
i'm quiet, you know
you make a first impression
i found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind



when i close my eyes and allow my mind to freefall into the exact moment where the waking and sleepy world starts to blend into each other and i find myself crossing that line, i realise that everything's jumbled up, and the messy, confusing pictures play themselves on the screens of my mind's eye. A becomes B and B becomes A-and-a-half and everything starts to look odd, and yet i don't want to leave that bizarre cinema that replays my life in strange variations. this is when the wrong words start to rhyme and you, i and you start to collide.