went to Chinatown with pal today and bought a lot of little thingys. made our own necklaces! i feel so accomplished lah. i didn't know i had a hidden designer in me.

strangely though, i felt really terrible while i was out. like heavy-headed then suddenly light-headed then the feeling alternates. something must be wrong with me - even my menstrual cycle's a little.. hmm. think i should get myself checked by a doctor soon. my ears are perpetually stuck and that's making me feel scarily unbalanced about 90% of the time. perhaps it's some fluid imbalance in my ears or something.

several chats with several people got me thinking: would i allow myself happiness as the expense of those i care about? if i find happiness - but in that process of attaining that happiness, people i care about get hurt or end up miserable, would i really be happy? it's troubling me. i can't bring myself to allow myself happiness at the expense of those i love. even if the world preaches things about loving oneself and taking care of one's needs, etc, how can i feel good about someone else's misery?

it's so hard. i was asking God if it was right for me to be happy if it means that my friend is gonna get hurt. is that what he wants, truly? it can't be, right. we're all his children, he can't allow one child to get what she wants if it means depriving the other of what she wants and needs. that'd be favourtism and i know for sure God doesn't practice that. so how?

but then, in denying me of my own happiness, it'd come at a price too - someone else's happiness TOO, so how?

conundrum, conundrum. what to do?

it seems as though there's an opportunity cost for everything. gaining something inevitably comes at a price of something else. my happiness for yours. but wouldn't it be retarded if no one ends up happy and everyone's moderately sad together? lose-lose situation, if you ask me.

i won't allow myself to think anything other than what is happening. anything beyond what is physically happening before my very eyes is untrue because it has yet to happen. and so, i will not allow myself to hope. too often have i hoped and hoped and hoped, only to find the hope cruelly crushed and cold reality seeping in torturously.

sometimes i do or say things with the very best intentions behind them - but they inevitably end up distorted or misinterpreted and the good intentions don't count for nuts. and i have to put things right again. think before you speak, Kelly, think.

when i see people around me hurting so bad from unreciprocated love of any sort, my heart just breaks for and with them. i know how it feels, i know how painful it is, i know, i know. i know how shitty the feeling is, how overwhelming it is and how it cuts so deep, makes you feel so raw and tangled up at the same time, how unbearable the pain is until it no longer is sharp but tapers off to a dull, throbbing ache that's perpetually there inside. i know, i know, and i just want to cry for you who feels all that crap. i want to take away the pain and just let you feel the joy of having that object of affection love you too. it's amazing, that feeling, of knowing that the person who you've been wishing will love you too - loves you. it's so liberating, so comforting, a thousand times better than the unreciprocaty. but i think i need to face up to the fact that i'm not anyone's superhero girl, i can't make the worlds of all those who hurt okay again.

i know, darling, i know. oh how it hurts, how it stings, how it cuts. i know babe, i know. it hurt me before, it stung me before, it cut me before. it's one of the suckiest feelings in the world and if i could save anyone from that kind of agony, i would, i really would. even if it's at the expense of my happiness.

i wish i didn't know how it hurts so, then i wouldn't be bothered so.

i don't want to be selfish. i really really don't. there has got to be a way.


i hate myself for hurting you.