nothing, absolutely nothing, was what God said to me when i asked him what i should do.

that much was clear to me, so very clear. there so many things i could do - i'm rather ingenius. but for now, nothing will have to be something my ingenuity wrestles with.

to love God, to praise him because he's God and for no other reason - not just because he does good things for me or takes care of me - but simply because he is God, to receive everything he has done in my life with good grace and gratefulness even if it's not exactly what i want, to love God, that's what i'm slowly being able to do now with increasing conviction. it's a long long process, long long journey that ain't ever gonna end. i'm never gonna have enough of loving God, never ever gonna praise God enough - so i'll have to struggle till the day i die.

am i a confused kid, still? well, maybe. but that is inconsequential, completely inconsequential. i'll cut out all the knots if i can, but if some remain stuck in the ball of yarn, i'll leave it there and ignore it, pretending it doesn't even exist. if i pretend hard enough, it becomes true.

there's so much i need to learn from God, still. i still ask God to teach me so-and-so, this-and-this, everytime i pray.

teach me how to love the way you want me to, God. teach me how to be more like you to everyone. teach me not to expect anything other than good things from you, to take and receive. teach me to hold my tongue and be patient, lend me just some of your infinite patience, God. teach me to not want for myself but want for others.

teach me, teach me.

i woke up this morning with a bad stomachache. bodily dysfunction is becoming a normal for me - it's something that i start every morning with and end the day with too. a heavy head that pounds and pounds and pounds somewhere in the back of my skull, a stomach that retches as it wills - so many things wrong. and yet i don't feel overly disgruntled, either. i take things as they come and deal with each affliction one-by-one.


a couple of lines from Jerry McGuire that haunted me through the night as i slept last night.

you've got to be fair to her;
she loves you.
if you don't love her, you've got to tell her.

i pretended that the proposal by the car was real,
and that it might have just been a hypothetical.
- ididthis.
and at least i can do something about it now.



shut up. just shut up.
you had me at hello. you had me at hello.