what if this is forever?

while i was at mass today, a scary thought came into my head.

what if this time next year, i'm still in this? feeling the same thing for the same person?
what if all this i'm feeling never leaves me and God meant it for it to be forever? i wouldn't discount that possibility you know. i mean, i'm not looking to be in this limbotic state forever and i want to get out of this whole thing asap. but if God means for it to stay with me some more so that i can learn and grow, then who am i to say that i want it all to end?

i can live with this, i know.
i've lived with all this for so long already, another year or so won't make much of a difference i think. God will not give me something i don't have the inherent ability to handle. with every trial, God provides a way out - God'll show me a way out of all this, i just need to be patient some more. i don't know what the way out will be like, it mayn't be what i imagine it to be. but keep faith, he always tells me. faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). when i read that line, it just hit me like a bullet train and i was blown away by the implications of what it meant and promised.

so if this was meant to be forever, i'd deal with it and live with it. somehow, i know whatever happens, happens for a reason and i'd be a fool to wish everything away. if this was meant to be forever, it'd be a damn good thing for me cos number one, God obviously wants me to see how it feels like to have your feelings so adamantly unreciprocated. and number two, God wants me to realise what faith is. it's a lifelong thing, you can't have faith one moment and then just lose it all the next. that's like, faith when you feel like it. but you can't only believe when you feel like it, or when things seem to be going your way. you have to trust and believe even when things don't seem to be moving, changing, or improving into what you think should be the ideal scenario. faith means trusting in God's plan for you even when situations aren't improving, when all you want to do is scream and kill yourself, when nothing you do seems to be working. it's like Job, who i think really personifies what having faith is like.

argh more things i can say now but i'm getting sleepy and want to sleep already.