the days are really slipping by me.. just like that. the more i try to stop time from passing so quickly, the faster they seem to fly, it seems. i try to fill my days with meaningful activities, to do stuff that actually matters. anything, to stop my time from spiralling down into utter insignificance. so much time, and yet i end up doing practically nothing at all. as i grow ever older, i become more and more resigned to some sad facts, that some dreams must be let go of. unfulfilled, or not. as much as i am convinced that i am more than just that, i am becoming increasingly aware that i am as much just that as everyone else might be. even more so, perhaps. not some kind of special - more like some kind of ordinary. i see the rest of my life stretched out before me, still wide wastes of unspent years, if nothing untoward happens to me before my old-lady time. but at the same time, that life i see is one that is petered out and almost bland. i know that it's up to me to live the kind of life that i want. but i'm feeling so dull and lacklustre these days, it almost seems fitting for me to live a similar kind of boring, dishwater-dull life that i abhor. it seems almost as if i feel as if it is perfectly my place to mire myself in that kind of banality, being the insanely boring witless person i feel i'm becoming. it's as if i deserve it, when in another time when there had been a lot more fight me, i would vehemently deny it of me. yes, that's right. i feel as if the fight has been sucked out of me. i sound so jaded, suddenly. so tired, so sick of it all. but i'm not - i'm not actually like that, i don't feel this way. i generally don't feel sick of life, and yet maybe a part of me feels as if i've had enough. i generally feel still some kind of special, not all kinds of banal, but an increasingly huge part of me is teteering towards the facelessness of sheeplike crowds. i feel an increasing need to read, indulging in a form of escapism my immense imagination allows as it takes flight and comes to life in a plane of its own. Lord of the Rings has been my latest read - a daunting volume at about a thousand pages that makes my arms ache if i hold it up for too long periods of time as i lie in bed reading. i am fully aware of the need to look in the not-too-distant future of graduation time, when i will have to decide what i want to work as. or more importantly, i will have to secure for myself tenureable employment that is some form of bearable to me. daily journalism is no longer something that i can see myself in. the local press does not appeal to me at all as i read more and more of the trash that is produced. in their defence, i also know that the press has to perform its role in society, journalists have to write to do so. i want to be a writer, but what can i do in this unimaginative society that i live in? what kind of book can i write here that will make writing a viable career? i need to think of something before i graduate, something has to work out in the grander scheme of things.
on a more banal note. cycling yesterday was great - but my legs are exhausted. i'd do it again, but maybe not too soon. heh. next on my list of things to do on a date would be the building of sandcastles on the beach! apparently, you can rent sandcastle building stuff from a shop for a reasonable rate for the whole day. that would finally let me see my castles in tangible sand and not just in the immaterialness of clouds. heh. - okay, so not funny. i am currently watching episodes of antm cycle 10 on youtube now as i throw out clothes from my wardrobe. i have so many pieces of clothing i have no idea what to do with - i don't want to give them away for good by giving them to the Salvation Army, but at the same time, i don't wear them quite as often enough for them to occupy hanging space in my already bursting cupboard. also, i am currently not doing any dinners/lunches with ANYONE because i am SO broke it is not funny. i have no idea where my money all evaporated to - it always turns out this way. sigh. and, i have to start packing for sydney soon. like get all my winter clothes from Trina. i wish i could borrow boots from her, too. but her feet are like 3 sizes smaller than mine. :(
so many things to do, all so insanely banal. woe is me.
No comments:
Post a Comment