How ironic it is that as I try my hardest to communicate through the mammoth 12000 word thesis that's really KILLING me - I find myself increasingly unable to communicate my inability to communicate.

I woke up this morning and prayed for the strength to face the new day, that I would see today with new eyes and face whatever challenges thrown at me with a new heart. I steeled myself, went for tuition, and felt less miserable as I taught - the feeling of being able to enact a change is empowering and encouraging. Earlier in the morning, as I ate my breakfast purely for the sake of staving off gastric pangs, I had picked up Rosemary Jackson's book about subversion in fantasy, and I happened to open the book to the section on entropy and metamorphosis. As I drove, I kept turning the idea of entropy and metamorphosis in fantasy around in my head, and realized it's the exact opposite of what I'm proposing in my thesis. So, I think I might rework my thesis statement using that, and I'll send it to Susan Ang to see what she thinks about it.

My point of that is that I'm really shitass frightened of the non-existent state of my HT, and every little bit of progress I think I'm making, I claw and scrabble at in my attempt to dig myself out of the huge hole I've landed myself in. I don't think I can do this on my own - in fact, I know I can't. But at the same time, I've also come to accept the fact that no one can pull me through this, most of all the one person I thought I could count on through anything, so here I am, scrambling to my knees at the feet of God, begging humbly for the support I need so badly. My heart is heavy, my head is stupid, and my body is really exhausted. There's just too much on my plate at the moment, and at this point in time, any sense of pride in myself or self-belief has evaporated. I hope I come out of all this as a better, more humble person, and I pray I don't find that I've bitten off far more than I can chew, and that I'm really that stupid after all.