Nothing is going right at all right now. Nothing. My thesis is going bizarrely badly for some reason, and everything I send to Susan Ang is thrown back to me to rework. Most recent example being the thesis statement I reformulated last night because of the "deplorable" state of my previous one about death and immortality. I decided to switch it to something about metamorphosis in Harry Potter and how the process of metamorphosis functions both as a mirror of the fundamental human condition of constant change, and as a proponent of this change. AND. It got sent back with a bunch of suggestions, none of which I am clear about on what exactly I should do. I know, I cannot expect to be told every single little thing and do exactly as I'm told - but this is infinitely frustrating because this feels like I'm never good enough and I'm striving to decipher the reason why. The truth behind my ineptness is always hidden from me, and it's really frustrating to be chasing down what I am unable to produce. At this point in time, I feel so inadequate, so stupid, and so unimaginably disheartened; you cannot even begin to imagine how crushed my spirit is. I've been doubting my one talent with words because of all the feedback I've been receiving, and it's really breaking my heart to realize that what I thought I was good at seems to be nothing more than a grandiose lie I built for myself. If I'm not good at writing - as all these recent events tell me - then what am I good at/for? I cannot possibly be good at something when everyone seems to tell me otherwise; therefore, I must be lying/have been lying to myself all these years. It pains me to articulate all this because what this means is that I really am beginning to believe that, and the destruction of my self-belief is unbearable at the moment, and perhaps for several moments to come. What I once held dear and as truth is slowly crumbling under the weight of its illusory supposition, and I cannot fight to keep it together any more. Perhaps what this is is a sinking into defeat, a copping out of my situation from whence I cannot imagine any possible happy ending: My thesis is going to earn me nothing more than a C at best, and I am never going to get the 2nd Upper that is so near but slipping away with every day that passes. Perhaps I'm just wallowing in self-pity at the moment, but do indulge me for now, because I cannot see any other way to get round this anymore. I once thought that as long as I don't give up, things will work themselves out - but perhaps I've really reached my limits and am overreaching, and no matter how much hard work I put in will not change the result whatsoever. Perhaps I'm just too stupid to come up with a better thesis statement, perhaps doing this thesis was all a mistake to begin with, perhaps my language really does come across as "mediocre" as what my SPH interviewer told me on Weds.
And perhaps I really believe in all of that, and perhaps that's what's made all the difference between me today, and the me 2 weeks ago.
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