If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Three more weeks to go - or two-and-a-half, to be precise. And I've only got 4000 words done. I'm not even halfway there. This whole process of writing my thesis has been such an experience, I never imagined it would be quite like that when I had first embarked on my endeavour. Never in a million years would I have thought I would find myself struggling to produce a semi-decent piece of writing, never. But well, here I am now, struggling and fighting for every good sentence. I know I cannot give up, not now, but it's really exhausting to be completely responsible for the way I spend my time each day.

Thesis aside, my things on the job hunt side have been really up and down as well. I've been for more interviews and writing tests in the past two or three weeks than I have in all the last 21 years of my life put together. Thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life and actually having to make decisions accordingly is really a lot tougher than I thought it would be (story of this post, it seems). Having to pick up my pen and actively reject something I wanted rather badly just a couple of months ago is really heartbreaking. But I know that I have to, or I'll never be able to live with the knowledge that I copped out, took the easiest, surest way out. Leaving school and going out into the working world was something I never gave much thought to prior to the last couple of months or so. School has always been there for me to attend, I've never had to worry about where my life was headed past essay datelines and final exams. I now find myself waist-high in the process of thinking about what I really want to do with my life, and it's really a journey of self-discovery more than anything else. The job-hunting process has made me evaluate what's really important to me, and scrutinize my motivations for wanting to pursue certain paths; I've searched deep within and re-discovered with certainty what drives me and what I'm passionate about. Like the writing of my thesis, the search for a job has also tested my resolve and mettle more than I ever thought it would be possible: it takes a lot more for a person to wait and not take action when there's something right in front of you that needs doing, to wait and not give up hope.

Thinking back on happier times, to keep me going for the next three weeks.
Barcelona with the bestie seems eons ago, and I really want to head back there where the skies honestly seem bluer and the days, longer.

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat these two impostors just the same

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more -  you'll be a Man, my son!

"If"

Rudyard Kipling