if Jesus already saw all the sins i was gonna commit from 3000 years ago in history and still chose to die for me, then who am i to say that i'm unworthy of his love? who am i to say that God shouldn't love me because i'm such a terrible sinner? oh, you foolish child. you don't tell God what he should do with his love or forgiveness. it's not yours to dictate.

though i still simply cannot understand so many things, though i still feel the pangs somewhere in my chest when i think of some things, though i still tear up every now and then and wish it would all revert back to the days of yesteryear - i know i will come out of this fine. stronger, somehow. dunno how, but stronger and a better person, for sure.

i recognise how it's ultimately my choice as to how i let things affect me. do i get stumped, and stay stumped? or do i struggle to get up in the hope that one day i'll stay up longer than down? while i may have my days when i wish i could just disappear (okay, scratch that. it's not days. it seems like periods sometimes), just hide away in my make believe world - i also have my days when i want to get up onto my own two feet again.

i asked God to show me what love is again. cos i seemed to have forgot what it means to love and be loved somewhere over the weeks. you know what he showed me? my daddy waiting up for me until 1am last night at the door. i called home after Phantom to tell dad not to wait up cos i was gonna go for supper with Tri. so imagine my surprise when i saw a figure slumped over at the wooden door when i got home. it was my daddy, sitting there waiting for me to come home.

to me, that said much more than any money gift could say. it's like how sometimes i tell God not to wait for me while i go explore the wide world and gallavant around a bit. then when i go back to him expecting to have to find him cos i'd already told him not to wait up, i find him waiting for me at the door, waiting to open the door and welcome me home.

God teaches me much about love through my daddy. dad waiting up for me to come home even though i already told him i had the house key and not to worry, waiting up for me till 1 in the morning even though he has to work tomorrow morning and get up early to wake my sister up for school - that's love.

it's true, how they say God loved us all into existence. my parents loved each other greatly and i came to be as a result of that love. my child is going to come into existence because i love my husband so deeply.

so with the knowledge that God is waiting for me, slumped over in fatigue from the waiting, at the door - how can i not want to come home and embrace him? in my previous post, i said people disappoint all the time. i guess it was said out of frustration and a deep hurt that won't go away so quickly. but on the other hand, people also lend hope all the time. when you see how much you're loved by someone else, it gives you that much more hope about the future, it gives you hope that you'll find love like that again in your lifetime somewhere. it gives me hope that i'll find someone who loves me as much as my dad loves me, the way God wants me to be loved.

when the music fades,
all is stripped away.
and i simply come.
longing just to bring something that's of worth
that will bless your heart.
i'll bring you more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what you have required.
you search much deeper within
through the way things appear
you're looking into my heart.
i'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you
it's all about you, Jesus.
i'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it,
when it's all about you,
it's all about you Jesus.

i'm coming back to the heart of worship.