watched Phantom of the Opera last night with Tri and it was real good. i love the Phantom's voice. really smooth and lovely. then stayed over at her place.

i miss the old days. i really do.
i miss me.

haven't been eating well the last few days. don't think it's a conscious act on my part, i just lost my appetite somewhere.

you wonder how many times you can die inside, you wonder how many times you can give your heart away only to have it thrown back in your face. then you wonder what's left of you inside, you wonder when it'll all stop. stop feeling, stop hurting, just stop the time for a while and there's no need for heartache or tears in that frozen time.

people disappoint me. even those who you thought wouldn't ever hurt you, even those who you thought would never make you cry. in the end, they're all the same. they hurt each other inadvertantly in so many ways, it's inevitable. people disappoint all the time, humans disappoint all the time. why? it's easier not to care then, it's easier not to feel then, it's easier not to love then.

love. i don't know what it is anymore. i don't know what it is anymore. i haven't used that word in ages cos i don't know its meaning. without love, we're but noisy, clanging bells with nothing inside. i feel just like that - hollow, empty. perfectly noisy. and yet, i don't quite feel anything either. it's queer. it's really queer.

i need to snap myself out of this, i want to snap myself out of this. but on the other hand, all i want to do is stay in this feelingless, empty world i've created for myself. where there's nothing but doing and no feeling. i want to stay like this for just a while more. cos here, the hurt's muted, the pain's fuzzy, the ache's not so tangible. i know if i go back, everything'll become that much more real and i don't know if i can physically take it any more. my body seems to be shutting down already, not eating well, not sleeping well. i can't do things i usually don't have a problem with. i get lost on roads i've not gotten lost on since driving. i'm scared, i really am.

i don't know who i am. i'm sorry. i don't know who i am anymore.
let me stay in this self-made world where reality is fantasy and reality isn't real. let me stay in this safe vacuum where i don't feel, don't get affected by people who disappoint time and time again. i'm just a girl, just a girl. i can't keep getting up, can't keep getting completely knocked out and revive myself pronto again straight after.

don't judge me, please don't judge me. i felt too, you know? i'm not asking for much, am i? all i want is to be left alone for a while. where's my mind? where's my heart? where's my voice? so much on my mind, yet no words at all to put it all into. all messed up, all in chaos.