just spent the last two days at Chelsa's place!

movie-marathoned and had girl talk and pal time and though poor pal was sick, she made me feel much at home. :) MOVIE MARATHON AGAIN!! we should watch more 'scary' shows to build up her resistance and heart so she won't be so scared of them anymore haha.

since getting home, have been reading the book i borrowed from her. Geisha of Gion by Mineko Iwasaki. i realise the geisha books i read always make me introspect. their lives are so complex and multi-faceted, layered with endless layers of silk, damask and emotions. i feel a bit like that sometimes too i think, so reading about them always makes me take stock of me a little more.

sometimes i think i love people and getting to know more of them, other times i think i detest people and don't wanna know more of them. sometimes i think i love talking and being outgoing and just being in the centre of attention, other times i feel so painfully shy and just want to stay in my own corner un-noticed. paradoxes that plague so many people i think, so why make such a big deal of it?

everyone's universe isn't really that small and uncomplicated when you think about it. it's an intricate world where emotions are intrinsically linked to each other and inexplicably tied to others, where when you unlock one door, you're in a room with many things - and another locked door waiting to be unlocked.

the power of prayer in my life is very very real these days, and i thank God for not taking away that beautiful blessing of being able to talk to him still. stuck in the midst of days where people all don't seem to understand what i'm talking about and i'm so unsure about my ability to communicate with anyone at all, i'm so thankful i'm still able to communicate with God and that he understands me through and through. it gives new meaning to this line in Heart of Worship:

you search much deeper within, through the way things appear. you're looking into my heart.

words are a vehicle to convey what's in the heart, and words sometimes appear uglier, harsher, harder than the feelings they're meant to personify. there isn't always a word to describe the gamut of emotions a person can feel in his lifetime. sometimes you feel love but the love is tinged with hardness because of circumstances; sometimes you feel hate but that hate is intermingled with love too. some feelings have hints of others layered within them, others are complete oxymorons that exist side by side and exist as a feeling.

God understands exactly what i feel without me having to try to put it all into words. he can see through the hardness of my words and see the softness of the affection lurking behind, he can see through the harshness of what i say and see the true intention behind the seemingly reckless petulance of certain things i say. he sees through the veneer of toughness and can see how i force myself to be hard to cover up the rawness and vulnerability of certain things i feel but coverup, too.

and i'm so so so thankful for that. God don't need no communication lessons. God IS communication.