i am immeasurably tired and i am so emotionally spent. too many things to think about, my brain is constantly buzzing with activity. i don't want to pour out my heartaches or secrets online, and i'm not going to. but i'm so tired, i just want there to be a fullstop for once and not just another comma.

a woman's heart is really something men can never comprehend. that, i am beginning to see now for myself. i don't even fully understand the secrets of my heart, sometimes. they're just lying in wait, undercover sometimes.

it doesn't mean that when one keeps silent about her world, all's well in it. sometimes, the things that aren't said are more important than the things that are. all the constant chatter, all the mess of words and language bandied around each day. but the things that aren't said? sometimes they hover thick in the air and makes the silences more pregnant than ever. silences can be full of things unsaid. just listen. cock your ears and listen to the silence. i can almost hear my unsaid words ringing in my ears, pulling at my heartstrings. the ever-abundant energy to eat innumerable lunches - you don't see the total shutdown of the brain when she falls into bed at night from exhaustion.

so many untold stories. each of us have some.

then you chance upon something that makes you rethink your convictions. i know, paradox, isn't it? to have to rethink a conviction. a conviction doesn't need to be thought about again, you're convinced. but note how many times i've repeated the word 'convinced' and yet are you even the slightest bit clearer about what the word actually means? you chance upon something that makes you hold your breath for one millisecond and blink 5 times to check, double-check, triple-check, quadruple-check and quintuple-check what you see with what you know. the second seems to last for an eternity, doesn't it? it's like one of those movies where the director slows everything down onscreen in an effort to bring across the idea to the viewers that that moment lasts for an eternity. i don't need a director to slow down any images for me, i'm my own director and my second slowed down to the eternal absoluteness of freezing in time.

you hear words you don't want to hear, feel the tears you don't want to cry dripping down your nose and off your chin. blink and take a deep breath - and yet the tears won't stop and the words won't stop ringing in your head. and all this while, that awful tugging at your heart that reaches to somewhere deep within you and pulls at your soul for what it's worth, and you feel the eyes of your soul cry tears you can't see. tears that hold a second's worth of misery and brokenness in their water-and-salt molecules, each tear a concentrated drop of despair. if only you could imbue the sadness encapsulated by each innocuous drop your soul cries - you'd understand how it would feel to never be happy ever again. to feel that somewhere something inside you has been broken beyond repair and try as you might to reach in and grab it, the shards are too scattered to gather and what was is now nothing.

you try to understand how Love can be something that judges, that places her opinions and intentions above yours. i understand Love as something that ought to be given unconditionally, no matter what your opinions are and even if i don't agree with them. i'm not being hypocritical, i'm being unconditional. you try to understand how Love can be something that hurts you, stabs you. what happened to the beautiful, light, fluffy thing she's supposed to be? which is the copy of which? the dark, fatal beauty of the Love i know, or the bright, airy pleasantness i thought i knew? you don't spew out the words 'i love you' without thinking about the implications. i don't. there're very few people i've really loved in my life, the rest i try to but end up failing more often than not. how many of the people i love realise that i've placed Love as i know it now on them but they think it's just an innocent young girl's confusion between Love and her flightier cousins Infatuation and Like? i hate it when i introduce Love to people and they mistake her for Infatuation, i hate it when i introduce Love to people and they reduce her to Like.

and feelings. you're so reliant on them and yet you wish you were free of them and would rather embrace logic. feelings, what men derogatorily trash as characteristically 'female'. emotions, what some people denounce as 'not deep enough' in spiritual experiences. don't discount the power of emotion in an experience, don't tell them 'it's only an emotive, you don't know what it's like, really.' do you know what it's like, really? do you know the power of emotions, in the first place? if only you knew. you'd not dare decry those who feel and act on their feelings again.

i've run out of words to say, but you cannot imagine the torrent of images bashing themselves at the gates of my mind trying to break free to let themselves be seen and heard in some form of coherence. so with this, i part for now - but i know this for a fact: that i've said less than what i haven't said.