the YISS conference over the weekend by Fr. Gino was surprisingly good. i say surprisingly not because i didn't expect Fr. Gino to be superb or anything other than fabulous - but because i dragged myself to St. Theresa's church on Saturday with such bad grace. i was literally having to drag my physical self all the way to Bukit Merah because i had a million and one reasons for not wanting to go. i felt disgusting cos i could feel the cramps starting up (i had just gotten my period that Saturday morning); i felt horrible and grouchy towards every single person and i just felt like snapping at every single living thing; i'd argued with my mother over everything i was wearing before leaving home - from top to earrings to shoes.

so many excuses for not wanting to go, so many ways i could justify my reluctance to attend the conference.

but i was real glad i went though, even though God had to drag me kicking and screaming, almost against my will. i attribute my ability to turn up for the conference in spite of my strong inclination to just heck it and allow my anger and irritation and pain from the cramps to dissipate over an afternoon spent at home to God - not me. in the end, i wasn't that deaf as to ignore the Spirit telling me to just shut up and go, and i'm so thankful.

after the weekend, i feel like i'm a changed person. not because of the weekend - though they were definitely mighty good and superb - but because the sessions precipitated a realization within myself and an acceptance of certain gifts God has so graciously bestowed on me but i have been keeping in poor stewardship all this while.

my attitude towards prayer and my spiritual life has been changed deeply. not a hundred-and-eighty-degree change, as many people often describe their encounters with the Holy Spirit and the embracing of Jesus as Lord and saviour of their lives; but my change seems more subtle, and yet i recognise it so clearly.

it all stemmed from Fr. Gino reminding me again about the definitive choice we have to make as Catholic charismatics - a resounding YES to Jesus, and an equally resounding NO to sin in our lives. even though i may have made that choice for the first time once before, it doesn't necessarily mean that i don't have to consciously remake this choice over and over again as i stumble and grope my way out of life's snares and obstacles. i realise that i thought i had made that choice before, and so, no longer have to bother with continuing to choose Jesus completely and reject sin totally in my life. which, up until the weekend, i didn't realise.

and how do i continue to keep making that choice for Jesus and reject sin? by praying. praying deeply, praying everyday, and meditating on the Word of God because that is God's love letter to us, anyway. God may not speak to me in bolts of lightning and rumbling thunder, in a fiery burning bush or in the parting of any sea - but He definitely can and will speak to me through His Word. how could i have not realised that until now? you have no idea how much more i treasure my Bible now that that realisation sunk in. i used to gobble up books pretty darn quickly, and lap up every single word and description in the books as the scene came alive in my own mind and the beautiful words of the prose washed over me. i loved reading, i loved books. i had and have a gift of reading and of words, of understanding sentences quickly and well. i don't understand how i could have failed to realise that my Bible is a book too, and the most beautiful and delectable one at that, too. it's better than my Harry Potter collection, my Blind Assassins, or Lolitas, anyday. those are fiction, the tales they tell are but tales - even if they are quite breathtaking and epic in scale, allowing my mind to run wild and free in the fieldscape of my imagination. the Bible is a personal love novel from my God to me, it's not imaginary or fiction, it's real. the promises God makes in the pages of the Bible; fantastical as they may sound, they're real and true, and i know that now ever so much better.

i love praying, now. i really want to expand my knowledge on my spirituality and so many other things pertaining to the mysteries of the Godly realm. put that gift of intellect to good use and deepen my spirituality rather than to just read for the sake of reading. the beauty of the gift of intellect is that once my intellect is convinced of something, it translates into my heart pretty soon after.