the nothing i fear i am.

time has been slipping out of my fingers at an astronomical pace. school began abt 5 weeks ago, and before i even realise it, term break's looming. closer and closer, like a ship threatening to get wrecked on treacherous rocks. and i can do nothing to stop it coming at me. i just stand and watch. now of course, it is needless to say that i am immeasurably tired with schoolwork. and i know, i do know, that i shouldn't be griping about my own schoolwork tiring and wearing me down - wait until i get to the working world, and i'll really know what being tired is like, and the argument just goes so on and so forth. i don't doubt that corporate life is tiring. on the contrary, i'd expect it to be exactly so. it's just that school is wearing me so thin now that i get really pissed off at people who cajole me into not being stressed/tired/serious about studying. now, we all know that i do not flippantly cuss, but these kinda of people illicit an instantaneous "fuck off" reaction from me. people who talk flippantly, ignorantly, just usually rub me the wrong way. you do not know how it feels to come home at the end of the day and find yourself with very little free time on your hands because you're constantly rushing something or the other in preparation for the next day. when your whole life revolves around school and work, you start to feel a bit upset at the imbalance of it all - and that's how i'm starting to feel. at the same time, i'm constantly telling myself that this perceived imbalance, this utter lack of time to do anything but what's on hand, is just temporary. i keep pushing myself to work harder, read more, think faster, believe that i'm smarter, talk intelligently, absorb and process at pentium 5 speed - that i wonder if one day i'll just break down from all the pressure and become the weak, useless nothing that i fear i really am.

i am enjoying school, i really am. but at the same time, i'm really really tired, too.