something so tangible as the love you feel, something that feels so real and certain when you're feeling it, as though you can't imagine not feeling that - it's actually more unstable, more uncertain, more fleeting than you ever imagined. how do you go from being a person someone used to love, to merely a person someone used to know? like a stranger, like an acquaintance, it's as though that strong current of emotion that coursed right through your veins, that passion and love you felt, was nothing. it's been broken down, reduced to a past tense. i can't seem to fathom how that even begins to happen, and it just circles round and round in my head, like a bird of prey circling in the sky. i'm not saying it doesn't, i know it does. it happens all the time, like flies dying in the summer sun. but i don't understand the process, don't understand how people just move on so efficiently, dont' understand how things in the now that seem so real can become a thing of the past so far removed. i'm removed from my emotions of even a year ago, there's that gulf that separates me in linear time, but it seems a bit unfair doesn't it, makes you question a bit about the reality of things. am i really existing? if something that existed can cease to exist with the passage of time, then someday i'll be like that too, everything that is connected to me will disappear when people stop remembering.
it's nebulous, it is, memory. too unstable, ever-changing, something that's like the silk threads of a broken spiderweb. when i think i understand all about memory, all about love, all about life, something else in that chain of understanding breaks, cracks appearing in an eggshell, and throws my stable understanding out of whack, pulls the carpet from beneath my feet, tears my perfect tapestry.
it's a choice to remember or leave it for dead, a choice to preserve the authenticity of everything, a choice to forget and a choice to let your once-love-of-your-life become merely another someone. from seeing someone you loved walk away, to gradually ceasing to want to be with him/her everyday, to meeting someone new, to falling in love all over again - perhaps it's cyclical, perhaps nothing is meant to exist in immutable security. corporeality is then perhaps, at best, ephemeral, evanescent, fleeting - beautiful, whole, composition one moment, ugly, decaying, decomposition the next. fluctuation from one end of the spectrum to the other, from life to death.
perhaps you begin to forget at the precise moment when you take the first step to walk away from the moment, like exiting a movie screen, just walking on and on and on.. until you disappear from sight - and eventually, disappear from my memory.
like a friend,
like a fool,
like some guy you knew at school.
didn't we love,
didn't we share,
or don't you even care?
i know we said we were through,
but i never knew how quickly i would go.
from someone you loved -
to someone you used to know.
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