feel it.

i accidentally blogged in my old blog again this afternoon, which led me to browse through my life of two years ago. while on some level, i am thoroughly appalled at the depth of my emotions, a part of me still wishes i could write like i did then, when i was feeling all those things as they came along. a part of me admires the me then, how i was so reckless and so unfettered, throwing all caution to the wind and just living & loving, no matter what the cost. perhaps that experience has made me into who i am today; slightly cautious, still prone to fits of uncontrollable, strange emotions that i try to relegate to the back of my mind because they are deemed unimportant and silly. 

take a read here: http://rippledsilk.blogspot.com - if you wish to be able to intimate at what i'm talking about.

like this afternoon. i called the boyfriend up on the verge of tears, wanting to tell him that i was upset and scared and terrified and everything all at once - but i couldn't do it, because i wouldn't have been able to explain why i was feeling so. so, i quashed the tremor in my voice, willed the tears to stay put in my eyes, and half-whispered that i didn't feel like starting on my work, half-whispered good-bye. i put down the phone and started crying uncontrollably, just because. not because i was stressed, not because i was whatever, but also because i was stressed, also because i was scared - i cried just because. how do you explain to someone who's so rational all the time why you feel like crying when you can't even explain it to yourself? when you don't even see the neccessity of explaining it to yourself. 

then, i understand why the boyfriend won't be able to be with me through this exasperating period, i understand perfectly. but at the same time, i'm upset at the prospect of having to trudge through the days mired in my own upsetness. as i said in a previous blog, i feel like i'm shuffling through the cards of insanity in my mind. time with family, own work, own space - i understand them all. and yet, i am selfish and i need need need, want want want. so i cannot give a voice to these, i cannot allow these to take on a life of their own by giving them form.

sometimes, i feel as if i've lost the license to live recklessly. everything must be logical, everything must be purpose-filled. i cannot feel the world's derth of emotions exploding in my heart without reason, i cannot want to fall asleep under the sun in a lovely meadow with no care for what tomorrow brings. it seems that i've been forced somewhere along the way to become an adult, to grow up, be responsible. premature, or not, i don't know, but i've lost the desire to be all i can be, because what i want to be is not in line with what i should be. as i grow older and spend more of my life on earth, i become more earthly and less an individual; i become just like everyone else, and less like me.

i say i am still wild, unfettered and free inside, i claim i'm living the life i want to lead - but perhaps what i've really done is i've sold out, and this is the only life left i dare to lead. illogicity and irrationality used to be the order of the day, i felt freely - truly, madly, deeply - i fell in love extremely recklessly, almost carelessly, and i was just a mess of emotions and feelings. my life now has no space for these things, chaos is unwanted, certitude is prized. i do wish i could revert back to that passion that seems almost too vivid, and yet i choose to remain where i am because this is the safer choice, this is the safer path. colours are softened, sounds are muted, smells are filtered out. i am too socialized, and too safe, too cowardly to feel without reason anymore.

& yet, you do know that i've always loved you. always have, always will.