work work work

doing some math today, it hit me how fine a line i'm treading, and how uncertain the final outcome really is. according to the CAP calculator NUS has so kindly provided, i have to score an average of A- for my modules this sem to get a semester CAP of 4.46, in order to reach 3.90 by this sem. following which, i go on exchange and my CAP is frozen. and when i come back in my fourth year, i have to score another average of A- for my modules to get a semester CAP of 4.25 to reach 3.95. then, in the second sem of my fourth year, i have to get 4.35 in order to FINALLY reach 4.00. 3 consecutive semesters of hard hard work. failing which, i remain stuck in my second lower honours mediocrity. 

i am very stressed just thinking about it.

and just so you know how stressed i am at the moment, i have paced myself at AT LEAST a hundred pages of Middlemarch a night, and a hundred pages of Vilette a night too, to be read concurrently. both have to be read by the beginning of next week, and i am, well, trying my hardest to speed-read and not lose anything out of it. i know my classmates say sparknotes is good, but i'm a coward and i daren't rely on sparknotes for my A.

pressure has been building up steadily in me and i'm taking it out particularly badly on the boyfriend. which makes me an irrational woman in all senses of that word, also mostly because i can see how retardedly i am behaving, but i can't help myself. every single day, all i seem to want to do is to scream my lungs out because i wake up not rested, with too much on my mind and hands, and not enough tenacity and will-power to do it all. partly also because i'm starting to feel dowdy and dull - i haven't shopped in months. there's nothing to look forward to each morning when i put on my clothes. my face is like a pimple minefield, which i suspect is caused by my insufficient sleep and my severe self-accrued stress. essays, books, and tests are stalking my mind incessantly.

i am so in need of reading week.