enough.

everything seems to be slipping away from me now, everything's going so horribly. it isn't supposed to be like this, i'm not supposed to be struggling so badly, i'm not supposed to be so crushed. i've come to a point where i'm beginning to think this all just isn't worth it, where i'm ready to raise my puny white flag in surrender just so that all this will just stop. maybe it's time to stop trying, time to stop fighting. maybe i'm overreaching, and as we discussed in lit tutorial today, overreachers seem destined for failure, by virtue of the very word "over" in "overreach" - implying that i am reaching beyond my limitations. i don't understand why it's all suddenly become so hard, and the possibility that i have come to this sad situation because of my own actions pains me more than you can imagine. it is one thing to be a victim of fate, to be a marionette of some puppeteer greater than yourself who controls your actions and determines your eventual outcome. i would really have no agency in such a case, no responsibility for my actions; just swept up in the tide of time that ebbs and flows in mundane and epic scales alike. however, realising that i was probably the very cause of my fix, realising that the consequences of all my past actions have finally come back to haunt me when i thought i'd gone off scot-free, it makes me indignant, disappointed, and just really angry with myself for letting me down. if you know how hard i push myself, you would understand the depth of my disappointment and exhaustion now, when it seems as if nothing i do from here will make anything better, besides making me feel like some sort of tragic Romantic heroine who trys and fails but who inspires admiration anyway for fighting for lost causes.

well but who am i kidding: i am no Romantic heroine, no fighter of lost causes - i am merely a girl who's been let down by her own devices and while staring at the dark abyss of sheer mediocrity, is contemplating the role that she has played in this pathetic tragicomedy that her life has become.