gripings of a student.

i've taken the last few days easy, catching up on sleep and alone time. and listening to my music. i've been neglecting me a bit lately, i think, which has resulted in me being uncharacteristically sticky to the boyfriend and uncharacteristically vocally insecure about a million and one inane things - from my weight to my brains.

spent the last two days at home just doing my own thing. sleeping a lot, reading a lot, playing my favourite games a lot, and catching up on some prayer time. i do admit that God's becoming increasingly distant these days even as i try my darndest to find Him in prayer. i'm extremely disillusioned about the way certain things have played themselves out, but at the same time, rather resigned and getting used to the way these certain things have played themselves out. perhaps a part of me cannot reconcile how God would allow these things to be like that, a part of me wonders at what game God's playing at - but then a part of me feels bad at even thinking this way cos i know God didn't plan for any of this to happen cos hey, we've all got free will after all. but knowing how God doesn't ever plan for me to be stuck in a discomfitting situation doesn't really help much when i'm actually right smack in the middle of it. i feel bad for blaming God, but at the same time i feel mollified cos it would seem that things are beyond my control anyway so i might as well suck it up the way it is.

and exchange. where do i even begin. there i was, so excited about going on exchange at the start of it all when i began to do my applications - that i didn't even think of the possibility of me not being able to get a place. and there i was, worrying about financing! everyone's gotten their offer emails already, and what about me? i'm still checking my nus email 30 times a day hoping to see some mail with any smell of the word "STUDENT EXCHANGE PROGRAMME" - but to absolutely no avail. there was this once last week when i got an email about the Singapore Exchange and i was so fricking excited. then when the mail opened after an excruciating 20seconds of loading, i remembered to breath again when i saw that it was some mail about the Singapore STOCK exchange. right.

i didn't even think that i mightn't get a place on exchange. so much for being cocky eh. that's a crash landing for you. of course, my application status still says "PENDING", but i'm not kidding myself anymore at this late date. of course, there's always next sem to apply, but i feel so deflated at the moment that i wonder if i'll be able to summon up enough energy and excitement to apply for the next sem.

i can't even begin to imagine about my second major in lit anymore. so far, all i'd been concerned about was getting my cap up to 3.5 so that i could apply for the second major thing. with last sem's miraculous results under my belt, i thought i'd nail it. but now, i'm not sure about anything anymore. i mayn't get it after all - very possible.

and cors has screwed up my week. i now have a stupid tutorial on fridays from 6 to 7 pm. so much for doing my research project with Jerome and friend. there're just too many people taking the module. kick some of them out, i say. give second years priority in tutorial balloting, i say - cos we're older and more senior after all. why won't nus subscribe to the Singapore government's ideology for once of a flawed meritocracy? but ALRIGHT, because i have several good year one friends, i'm glad that there's equality la. somewhere in me is glad, anyway.

saddd. :(


it escapes me how some adults behave like children, too. adults of all ages, from 25 to 50. go figure, really. but upon reflection, i realise i shouldn't hang it over their heads for choosing to behave this way. it's their prerogrative, as Britney Spears sings sultrily (when she was still young and passably hawt).

i will not be pushed to behave in a way that i don't think is right or befitting of myself. even if these child-adults do it to me, cos really, tit-for-tat behaviour is really so unbecoming. grow up, let loose, life's really too short to be so uptight about everything. i don't mean to come across as being sarcastic or holier-than-thou, reallyreally. it's just honestly what i think.
cos i know we're cool.