i had the most disconcerting dream last night, and i woke up very near tears. i wish i could control my dreams. stop myself from living a strange life in my head. i ran and ran and ran in my dream to rid myself of the grief inside me. and yet it didn't go away. and everywhere i ran, he was there. he didn't leave me alone, even though he was the cause of my misery. in my dream, the weird theatre in my head, i ran along an expressway for an entire afternoon to get away from it all. and i ended up in a church in Jurong. to my dismay, he was there, waiting for me. again i ran, this time to Aljunied. and when i thought it was safe again, stopping beneath one of those shop houses to rest, he appeared again and said he had been looking for me all day.
i woke up with the pain fresh and heavy in my heart, spilled over from the dream. i couldn't shake it off for a good long time as i lay in bed when i woke up. trying to forget everything i'd seen in my head.
perhaps it's cos i spent some time rifling through the pages of my diary last night and reliving some of those experiences as i read them. oh, it was so difficult. i could sense my exuberance, my hopefulness, my joy - and then all the pain, disappointment, frustration, confusion. all over again, the emotions came tumbling over me. everything i'd written about for the last 2 years, it was all the same, i realised. the dates between entries have become larger and larger as the months go on, but when i do write in my diary, i inevitably end up writing about the same thing still. maybe that's why i'm so averse to writing in it now. i don't want to write about these things anymore. everytime i write about it, i tell myself i'm purging myself of the emotions, putting them into a tangible form, putting them down on paper in words. but the release is only temporary, the purging never complete. will it ever be? i can't help but wonder now.
some things stay with you forever.
there're still so many things to be said, to be done. i don't feel like doing anything, i'm too comfortable with the rotten state of things. like wood that's been eaten up by termites and plastered over to hide the hollowed-out bits. i feel a lot like that now.
sometimes, i wonder what it'd be like without all the noise in my head. without all the questions, all the memories. it's so noisy sometimes, all the activity. sleep brings no respite now. it gets even noiser and more confusing in my dreams. it's like all my stifled heart's desire suddenly springs to life every night and takes on a life of its own in my dream universe, then when i get up, i realise it's still exactly that. but it takes me a moment to reorientate myself. sometimes, my worst fears find a life in my dreams and take an awful form, and i run away from them. but inevitably, i can't run and always have to face up to it.
i wish i'd manage to find some peace somewhere for once. find quiet for once. no noise in my head, just silence.
& you know what? i knew it - & i was right. though i wish i wasn't.
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