I know you won't.

Major case of earworm, after I heard Carrie Underwood's I Know You Won't on the bus home this afternoon on my iPod.
Might be the tune, which really tugs at my heartstrings. Or might be the lyrics, which the emo shit side of me is always drawn to. We never grow out of emoness, do we.

Everytime I use the word "emo" on myself, I can't help but feel like I'm consciously trivializing the onset of my emotions. I don't know why, maybe it's cos I look back at all that's happened in the past and can't help but wish like hell it could all be attributed to being "just emo" - & young & stupid. I hate looking back, it's like peering into a glass darkly, cos I can't be sure what exactly happened anymore. Time seems to subjectivize my memories, and erode even the most upsetting, traumatizing, fit-inducing bits into a flat, boring blip. I just can't seem to remember, and while I would have given anything years ago when I was wallowing in all my self-made misery to be at this point now, where I've begun to forget - I'm struggling to hold on to anything that would help me reconstruct some of that darkness that I've walked out from. I feel so alienated from that memory now, it could be a storyline right out of a Korean drama and it I couldn't even identify the experience as mine. I'm never happy, am I. I created my own shit, glorified in swimming in it, and refused to be saved. Then now when I am at my safe place, I try to transport myself back to that past cos I feel so cheated that I have forgotten, I feel as if I've trivialized the entire issue by allowing myself to forget. (And I have.)

Maybe I trivialize all of that intentionally. Maybe I did it in the last few years that went by, so that I would be at this point when I'm so disconnected from it all, unconcerned, even. Perhaps "upset" would be the wrong emotion to use in this case to describe my feelings at realizing the extent to which I've forgotten. More like disappointed in myself, cos I've denied the importance of everything in my process of coping and healing. Ohwell. We win some, and we lose some - & hopefully it's not the things that really matter that we lose in our bartering with life.


Maybe I liked the song so much and it's stuck in my head now cos I can somewhat identify with it - or could have, anyway.

I know you don't mean to be mean to me
Cos when you want to, 
you can make me feel like we belong
We belong.


Lately you make me feel all I am, is a back-up plan.
I say I'm done and then you smile at me,
and I forget everything I said.


I buy into those eyes
And into your lies.


You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you




You say you'll call, but I know you won't.






Tonight, I mourn for the me I cannot recreate in my memory, and I feel sad for the me I can sort of remember somewhat muddily and very unfaithfully inaccurately in my head. For, if time were not linear as I was taught in secondary school physics, but is instead, circular, a concept I've been more and more exposed to as I read my lit books - the idea of sequentiality as I know it would not be as it is, and the me I pity for everything I cannot remember might be the me of tomorrow yet again with a different set of cause-effect factors. Cos right now, from my safe-place vantage point, I shudder and am terrified to think of the possibility of ever returning to the darkness and utter despondence of that time, even if it were brought about by something totally different. As much as I try to talk big and act as though I'm free - I think that I am only beginning to realize that I'm living my life in fear of rejection, callousness, and broken promises.


The fall from a little slice of heaven back to earth, is, afterall, going to be that much more painful and difficult to bear.



credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennyterasaki/3637716327/